


(I Wouldn't) Look at me

by softintelligence



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Insecurity, Love Confession, M/M, idk what these tags are, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 10:17:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1383832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softintelligence/pseuds/softintelligence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tatsuya wasn’t going to say no to Taiga. He had put Taiga through so much, this was the least he could do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(I Wouldn't) Look at me

Taiga had called him two weeks ago practically begging for a pick-up game in Tokyo, and Tatsuya had agreed immediately even if it meant taking the Shinkansen all the way down, planning to stay for a few days, and making sure he wasn’t going to miss anything too important in school or else Masako would kill him. Even if she _was_ going to kill him, Tatsuya wasn’t going to say no to Taiga. He had put Taiga through so much, this was the least he could do. 

But during the pick-up game, Taiga said suddenly, “Kuroko rejected me,” just as he slam dunked the ball into the hoop. The whole pole rattled. Tatsuya wiped the sweat from his face with the bottom half of his shirt and made a noncommittal noise. Taiga caught up to the ball, slapped it into his own dribble, and added, “For Aomine.” 

“Mm.” Tatsuya rushed up to steal the ball. Taiga blocked him, a little sloppily, but Tatsuya slipped his hand through a small gap and knocked the ball out of Taiga’s hands. “Sorry to hear.” He wasn’t really sorry, if he was being honest with himself, which he was trying not to be for Taiga’s sake.

Taiga grunted in displeasure, but Tatsuya couldn’t tell if it was from having lost the ball or from being rejected by Kuroko. 

“When did this happen?” Tatsuya asked.

Taiga glanced over at him with a guilty expression. “Last week,” he said. “Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I couldn’t find the right time.” 

“Oh,” Tatsuya said. He tried not to feel hurt. He was here to comfort Taiga not the other way around.

That was all.

“This sucks,” Taiga said. He turned to Tatsuya, eyes big and _innocent,_ and Tatsuya remembered, a year ago, standing outside the basketball stadium with Taiga making those same eyes at him now. How Tatsuya felt power, listening to Taiga start to apologize. He could have gone on letting Taiga think it had been his fault all along, instead of Tatsuya’s own stupidity. 

“I know,” Tatsuya said. He reached up and patted Taiga on the shoulder. “There are plenty of others who love basketball as much as you.”

Taiga’s lips quivered in what Tatsuya could only describe as a pout. An adorable pout that made Tatsuya’s heart flop pathetically in his chest like a fish on a hook. “He was my first basketball partner,” he said. “We played all those games together. He got me back into basketball again.” 

“It sounds like you’re describing your first love,” Tatsuya said, laughing, not completely without envy.

“What?!” Taiga glanced quickly at him, and his cheeks turned red. “No, Kuroko’s not my f... f...” He stuttered into silence and stopped. Taiga made an indignant noise and walked over to the basketball, kicking it into his hand in one fluid motion. “Tatsuya.”

“Yeah?” Tatsuya stared at Taiga’s broad back. 

Taiga looked over his shoulder. His face was still red. “Wanna get dinner back at my place?”

\---

Tatsuya tried to insist on cooking, since Taiga was the one who was (outwardly) heartbroken, but Taiga said, “It’ll make me feel better to make you something,” so Tatsuya decided to enjoy the view instead. It was satisfying and different, watching Taiga cook with his cute apron on like he was some sort of oversized housewife. 

The first time they’d cooked, Taiga had burned his eyebrows off. In hindsight, it was an enjoyable memory, but at the time all Tatsuya remembered feeling was that he’d somehow put Taiga’s life at stake by depriving him of eyebrows. 

“Hey,” Tatsuya said. “Are you two gonna be okay for games?”

“Yeah,” Taiga said. He rubbed the back of his neck as he stirred the curry he was making. He didn’t say anything else. 

Tatsuya nodded. There were a million things he could say, that Taiga had probably heard already. _Hey, you’ll be okay. Plenty of fish in the sea,_ or _We can go somewhere tonight to look for people for you._ Or he could drop all subtleties, pinning Taiga against the counter and saying, “Let me be the one to comfort you.” 

No, he couldn’t do that. 

“Tatsuya,” Taiga said.

Tatsuya looked up from the counter. Taiga was holding the pot of curry by the handle, his eyebrows furrowed together. “The curry’s ready,” Taiga said.

“Yeah,” Tatsuya said, but his poker face wasn’t very good.

“You ...” Taiga started to say something. He turned back to his cabinets and removed some plates, pouring the curry equally onto both. “Seem out of it.”

 _I’m just being selfish._ Tatsuya said, “Honestly, I’m not sure what to say,” and laughed. “This type of situation doesn’t usually happen to me.” 

Taiga did a not-pout as he served them both rice. “Right,” he mumbled out of the corner of his mouth. “Tatsuya doesn’t get rejected.”

“I’ve been rejected before,” Tatsuya said.

Taiga’s head shot up so fast, Tatsuya thought his neck might snap. “By who?!” 

Taiga sounded so defensive on Tatsuya’s behalf, Tatsuya thought about being honest and saying, by you. But then he thought about how Taiga would feel: guilty. That he couldn’t return Tatsuya’s feelings and never would be able to. The ring burning into his chest was proof of that.

“No one important,” Tatsuya said. “It was a long time ago. My first love.” He waved his hand in the air dismissively. 

“I,” Taiga said. The plate of curry and rice rattled in front of Tatsuya as Taiga practically slammed it down on the table. “I wouldn’t--reject you--If you asked.”

“Hmm,” Tatsuya said. “I know. Thank you.” 

Tatsuya felt some ashes being rekindled in his heart, fueled by his own hot, bitter tears, his self-loathing projected outwards as jealousy and hatred for Taiga. He dug into his curry and took a bite. It was hot. It was really, really hot, and if Tatsuya just focused on the curry burning his tongue, he could forget that Taiga was standing here in front of him, telling him he wouldn’t reject him when all along he already had.

\---

After dinner, Taiga said he was tired, but he still wanted to stay up to talk to Tatsuya, so they sat on the couch together and watched old NBA reruns. Tatsuya had watched most of these games a million times so he took the opportunity to watch Taiga.

“You’re not really enjoying it,” Tatsuya said, after watching Taiga’s lips twitch downwards for the millionth time after Michael Jordan made a fake pass to someone on the other side of the court. “Let’s watch something else.” He picked up the remote and changed the source, flipping through the channels. Nothing good.

“Let’s call it a night.” Taiga made to stand, but Tatsuya jumped on him, pinning him down by the shoulders.

“No,” Tatsuya said. “You’re not going to bed until you feel better.”

Taiga made an affronted noise, a yelp kind of, and swiped his arms at Tatsuya until Tatsuya backed off. “No,” he said. “I’m not going to--it’s fine, Tatsuya.” 

“Taiga,” Tatsuya said. “I don’t want to leave you feeling like this.”

“It’s fine,” Taiga said, but he leaned over and rested his head on Tatsuya’s shoulder. “It’s fine.” 

Tatsuya reached up again to pat the side of Taiga’s head. “It is fine. You’re fine.” He could feel the skin from where Taiga’s cheek was resting warming up. “If you’re feeling lonely, we can sleep together in the same bed like we used to.”

“R-really?” Taiga sat up and stared at him, eyes wide and innocent again. 

“Yes,” Tatsuya said, smiling his best big brother smile as his stomach crawled into his feet to die.

\---

Tatsuya had no self-restraint anymore, so when it came down to his back against Taiga’s chest, Tatsuya gave up, turned around in Taiga’s arms, and kissed him.

Of course, it would turn out like this.

Taiga froze beneath him. Tatsuya pulled away. It was too dark to see his face.

“Tatsuya,” Taiga said. He didn’t sound like he was angry.

Tatsuya waited for Taiga to continue, but instead he felt Taiga wrap his arms around his neck and pull him over to brush their lips together. “Hey,” Tatsuya said, his mouth only half on Taiga’s.

“Do you feel sorry for me?” Taiga asked. His voice quavered. 

“No,” Tatsuya said. “Do you?”

“Why would I feel sorry for you?” Taiga shifted his arm, leaving Tatsuya’s neck, and turned the bedside light on. Tatsuya squinted as his eyes adjusted to the light. 

Taiga’s face was red like his hair. He stared at Tatsuya. 

Was he waiting for a response? Tatsuya wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. What reason was there _not_ to feel sorry for him? Tatsuya had a running list, soon to be as long as the earth’s circumference. “You’re just idolizing me.” 

Taiga frowned. “I’m not.”

Tatsuya took a deep breath. He wanted to confess then and there--‘the truth is, Taiga, I like you.’ But then what? ‘I like you, but I also treated you like crap.’ He had apologized already and had had his chance to also tell him his feelings. The moment had passed. Taiga had even confessed to Kuroko.

“Hey,” Taiga said. He looked away, his face turning an even darker shade. “Earlier at the park, you called Kuroko my first ... l ... well, you know.” His fingers wrapped themselves in the hair at the nape of Tatsuya’s neck. “It wasn’t him. It was you.” 

Tatsuya blinked.

“Huh,” Tatsuya said. 

“But you didn’t like me,” Taiga said. “You were upset with me.” His face looked like it was crumpling in on itself and Tatsuya reacted impulsively, leaning over to kiss him again.

“I don’t hate you,” Tatsuya said. “I told you, I was an idiot, I was being selfish, I--” He swallowed and pressed his forehead against Taiga’s. What use was it to tell Taiga that he wasn’t being selfish anymore? He took a deep breath. Cool head, he thought. “You were my first love, too.”

He felt like throwing up.

Taiga stared at him. “But you said that your first love rejected you,” he said. “I’ve never ...” 

“I guess I made the decision on my own,” Tatsuya said. 

“You ...” Taiga turned his head away. “Tatsuya ...” 

Tatsuya could practically see the gears grinding around in Taiga’s head, absorbing the new information. Only on the court would Taiga’s mind move quickly. It was one of the things that Tatsuya found simultaneously charming and frustrating about him. 

“I like you,” Taiga said, quietly. “I still do.” 

“Me too,” Tatsuya said. “But your feelings for Kuroko ...”

Taiga opened his mouth and closed it again. “Yeah, but ...” Taiga trailed off. “I like you. It’s always been you.” 

_I don’t want to be second-best to anyone,_ Tatsuya wanted to say. Instead, he sat up and wrapped his arms around himself. It was getting cold. 

“Tatsuya,” Taiga whispered pathetically. 

If he rejected Taiga--their relationship would be over again. Taiga would pine for him, but any feelings ... he would bury them again, as he had before. He would fall in love with someone else. Sure, Kuroko might have rejected him, but he’d decided to move on from Tatsuya. Taiga was perfectly capable of moving on again.

If he accepted them, then Tatsuya would have to live with the growing feeling that he was second best and always would be. It didn’t matter that they’d made up. It didn’t change the fact that Tatsuya would never feel good enough. 

He had to make the choice now. 

He turned around. “Taiga,” he said. “I love you.”

“Me too,” Taiga said. He reached out with his hand and Tatsuya let his own hand fall into Taiga’s grasp. 

“I’m not leaving,” Tatsuya said, and shifted around in the bed until he was lying next to Taiga. 

“Okay,” Taiga said.

Tatsuya closed his eyes. “I love you,” he said. He wanted to hear it from Taiga. 

“Me too,” Taiga said. 

It was supposed to be satisfying, but all Tatsuya saw in the darkness was a bright flash of blue, Taiga’s happiest smile, and Tatsuya himself standing on the sidelines, part of Taiga’s painful past, present, and future.

I shouldn’t have come, he thought, turning to kiss Taiga, as though the contact would make him grateful, would make him _forget._

Taiga took a moment to respond before placing a hand on Tatsuya’s arm, squeezing it hard.

Tatsuya noticed. Of course he would. He noticed everything about Taiga, but Tatsuya didn’t feel bitter or angry. He was used to it. It was like everything else in their relationship: too late.

**Author's Note:**

> Can't believe it's been half a year since I wrote for Kuroko no Basuke (and half a year before _that_ )... Anyway, I wanted to post something to prove I was still alive and kickin'. :D Thanks to [sylindara](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sylindara) for the quick lookover~


End file.
